Gallery

"God damn ghosts"

Oil on canvas

27cm x 22cm

For a long time I tried to run away my ghosts. I locked them up behind a door, and I used many things to keep that door closed. The things I used for this purpose were intoxicants, addictive actions, strong control over myself, constantly moving, keeping myself busy, and to go. Stopping, relaxing, and being in peace wasn’t possible because every time I tried to do so, the ghosts started to bang the door, and in order to keep them away, I had to keep on running. By meditating and listening to wise people, I noticed that I can’t find calmness as long as I’m fighting to keep those ghosts locked up. I have stopped doing things that keep my mind occupied and feint it from facing those things needed. To face my true self. I am still on this task. What makes it so difficult is the fact that there are no kittens and candies behind that door, but ghosts, which will break me into pieces in a painful way. The break is needed every now and then, tho.

   "Shame"

Oil on canvas

30cm x 24cm

This painting tells about shame and how I feel it. Being a weirdo that will be destroyed if I don’t change myself to fit in better. The shame that you feel against yourself is raw, and it kills your curious, imaginative, and joyful self. It makes you shame those parts of you, numbing you and making life feel depressed and meaningless. My dad always says that it's totally okay to be off one’s rocker; that way, life is so much more fun. The tricky part in this task is to see the bogeyman (shame) when it starts to drag down your spirit, when it tells you to be aware or stress over what other people might think. Pretending not to see or feel shame is not the answer, but bringing it to the light and talking with it leads to understanding of it, and that way helps us to let go of it and live more freely.

"colors of heart"

Oil on canvas

This one I painted in Malawi. I was inspired of all the colors, that were out there. I have always had some difficulties to recognize my emotions and feelings, and while painting this canvas, I felt a lot of them. I felt good and inspired. Now when looking at this painting I can finally name some of those feelings better; I felt like been alive again, I felt joy, happiness, rythm of life, I felt very excited and keen about future. I felt like belonging to a community.  And I still can feel all that, when looking at the painting; it carries a lot of good/happy memories.

"Codependency"

Oil on board

90cm x 60cm

As the name tells, this piece is about codependency. Many think that a copependent  person is one who clings to other people, who doesn´t know how to be alone. Well some might be this way, but codependency can also been seen as a way to think. Codependent lives for other peoples feelings and emotions, trying to satisfy them in order to keep those people around. Not caring about ones own needs or hopes, codependent abandons her/him -self and does´t value themselves as independent individual. Constantly trying to read others thoughts and emotions is exhausting and thats why some codependent people be rather alone and try to avoid intimate/emotional relationships. Also, when there is no one, you dont have to be scared of them leaving.  Codependent has an idea that she/he is fixing someone, but what I have noticed as a codependent person, is that when "fixing" someone I am actually trying to fix myself, thinking that if I fix someone, they wont leave.  Now when I know that the only one who can fix you is you, I have stopped aiming my focus to others and have turned it into myself. I thought that the love I felt in those relationships were against the other person, but It was my love, love against myself and It is meant for me just as much (and maybe even more) as for others.  Maybe one day I am ready to share it, but now Im still learning to embrase it and really aim it inside.

"Choices"

Oil on a sketchpaper

42cm x 29,5cm

This piece represents the moment when I realized, how my codependency affects me. I was torn half between two different person.  I was struggling with the weight, that the situation was building on my shoulders, and my head was a war zone of thoughts and feelings. Then I realized that those thoughts and feelings werent even mine! They were assumptions of thoughts and feelings that other people might have had. I had spent so much time of trying to balance something that wasn´t even really there. I had to line myself out of that mess and start to listen my own emotions and what I wanted. This realization hit me after I painted this piece. I was surprised how I already knew it somewhere in me, but once again it had to be shown to me by my hand and a brush.

"The main road"

Oil on canvas

41cm x 33cm

This is my first painting and oh boy how I hated it. I found it so ugly that I just wanted to throw it away or burn it. I never did, don’t actually know why. With time, I started to like it more and more. Now I see how I managed to capture the issue of my life in that canvas. I see the road, that I was meant to take according to what society wants, and then the strange (not a road-alike) road that my heart wanted to take, the road that didn’t have any sense. The difference between those roads were enormous and it made me feel extremely lost. There were so called promised trophies at the end of the clear, “right” road. When I realized that those trophies / prices were money and success, I lost my interest. I am still working as a nurse every now and then, but I have given a lot more space to the creative side of me. I wish that I could take the leap of fate and jump to the funky, nonroad -road and live the way that’s way more natural to me.

"Child of Gaia"

Oil on canvas

24cm x 18cm

I have always loved nature and lived for its beautiful colors, shapes, scents and magical elements. Nature is something, I find as a living, breathing thing. To me nature is the place where we have been born and where we belong, where we can be our true selves and it’s a place that accepts us just the way we are. I respect nature, I feel connected to it. Every time I see the sun going down after a day, I feel sad, I feel like saying goodbye to a good friend. Oh but then the moon rises. The mystical and hypnotic moon rises and awakens my inner wolf. I am a child of Gaia, the mother earth, and in front of her I bow. The painting is a tribute for her.

"pause"

Oil on canvas

27cm x 22cm

I had to take a pause while ago, when the noise in my head got too loud. The cause of that noise was assumptions of what other people might have thoughed and felt. I felt like standing at the centre of a busy intersection, surrounded by running vehicles, blowing their horns. I felt like trying to control traffic that had gone crazy. Then when I saw the reality of this situation tha fact, that these vehicles weren´t REAL, but just products of my imagination, it got quiet. I was the only one left now. It was so quiet that I started to hear my own voice, my thoughts and my emotions. They had been suppressed for a long time, not having space to rise up. Now was a good time for them to come to the surface.

"Me and my body"

Oil on canvas

24cm x 33cm 

When studing nursing, I had this extra course; "Sexual health in different environments". There was task on this course to draw a line, from the very early childhood till this day. On the line we were supposed to mark some significant turning points on our sexuality.  How often do we think about these kind of things? I hadn´t given any thoughts to that before this task. What I did, was taking my clothes off and just been at home naked for quite some time, walking past mirrors and looking myself from different ankles. Then I started to play some beautiful piano and violin music. My body started to move automatically and I let it do what ever it wanted to, at the same time thinkin how my sexuality has been shown in my life and what are those moving points that have made some changes to it. Then I sat down and painted this piece. Again after painting, the story of me, my body and sexuality came together. Starting from light blue represents the curiosity that a teenager had towards her body and sexual pleasure. When these feelings were brought to a situation where there was another person and emotions, the sexual aspect got wings. Emotions, pleasure and passion became my drug. It was better than anyting I had felt earlier. Color red represents passion. Then after loosing this, after breaking up with the person I had strong feeligs to, the passion was gone and so were sexual pleasure and curiosity. Until. Until the next person came to my life, lighting up new sparks, and it felt like something that had been asleep for a long time had now woken up again. I felt like a woman, like a sexual creature, that enjoyed intimacy and closeness. This relationship ended too. And again I fell in a pit and turned into a stone. Something that couldn´t feel a thing.  Black parts in this painting represents those pits. As you can see the wheel kept rolling, new relationships came, they ended and again, I was in a pit. After the latest end of a relationship I refused to go to another one. This was happening at the same time with the "pause" I was having in life. And after dancing naked, after seeing my beautiful, innocent body, I wanted to let it rest. And decided that no one will treat it badly, no one will ever treat me badly, because I only deserve good, loving touches. Now I let my body move how it wants, embrase it, love it and hoping that the curiosity comes slowly back to me.

"Euphoria "

Oil on canvas

24cm x 33cm

I painted this piece after having a cigarette and felt the euphoria that came with it. This euphoria that comes from intoxicants or addictive activity, is the reason why it´s very hard to focus to the things that actually matter. The euphoria that comes from smoking, drinking, fucking or for example binge- eating feels so god damn good. Its like suddenly everything is fine, life is rolling and Im rolling with it, no emotional pain, just calmness. In that moment there are no future-things to worry or past to regret, just living in the moment, without shame stopping to act in liberated way. The sadness in this kind of euphoria is the fact that it ends, and when drinking for example, I do feel good yes, but not as good as doing something that makes my inner child happy, like painting or seeing beautiful landscape. That´s when the real euphoria kicks in.

"Stop to FGM"

Oil on canvas

40cm x 30cm

FMG = Female genital mutilation (FGM) comprises all procedures that involve partial or total removal of the external female genitalia, or other injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons. The practice has no health benefits for girls and women and cause severe bleeding and problems urinating, and later cysts, infections, as well as complications in childbirth and increased risk of newborn deaths.The practice of FGM is recognized internationally as a violation of the human rights of girls and women. (WHO)

I am a nurse and during my studies I took a part to womens health -course. In one lesson our teacher told us a true story that he had faced when working as a midwife. He told us that once, when he was working, there was a lady (originally from Africa) coming to give a birth to her first child. The midwife was about to do an examination to see the situation of the labor, when he noticed that this lady had went through FMG. Her vagina had been sewn almost shut and her clitoris had been cut off. There was only a tiny hole left open for urine and blood. This made the midwife think, that how had it been possible for this lady to get pregnant? Midwife asked:" I am sorry to ask, but how did you manage to get pregnant, while been sewn shut?". The lady told that yes, when she was a kid, her parents took her to this ceremony, where her genital parts were mutilated. She grew older and got married. Before the wedding night, she had never even touched herself in the private areas. On their wedding night the husband tore her open in order to have vaginal sex. And after that night, every single time when the husband wanted to have sex, he had to torn her open, because when she healed the parts grew back together. She said that she was lucky, because she passed out every time this happend. She passed out because of the pain, but that way she didn't have to feel the pain during the sex. Now in a hospital she got a "reopening" surgery. After this surgery she was able to finally heal in a right way, so that her vaginal parts stayed open. She was very happy about this.

After hearing this story, I was filled with rage. This anger, I didn't know what to do with it, so I painted the situation that this lady described. I wanted to make this story visible. I wanted to make her pain and the injustice she had faced visible. It was something that really happened and it is something that STILL happens in some countries. By making people to be aware of the negative health and mental effects of FMG, we might be able to change the way that people see the FMG and that way eventually put an end to it.

"The Dance"

Oil on canvas 

24cm x 33cm 

All my paintings are for sale